I’ll set the scene.
It’s my brother’s 30th birthday. I’ve travelled back to the family home to have the annual celebratory BBQ.
It’s mainly his friends and some old family friends that’s in attendance. Some I’ve known all my life, some for around 20+years and others I’m meeting for the first time.
Historically, these gatherings never faze me at all. Even when my depression, and anxiety and OCD were at their worst, I could still fake smile my way through it, distract myself with keeping food or drink topped up or play with the many children out family seems to spawn.
This time it’s different. Attendees are 18+ so no small ones to play with. There’s no family to hunker down next to the food table with, most of the work is done and does not need maintenance……….and I came solo.
Apart from 3, no one here knows what I’m going through and only my brother knows how bad I am and I wouldn’t dream of burdening him, it’s his birthday.
I have no one. No significant other to sneak off somewhere quiet with, no close friend to have a sneaky cigarette with and no great task to have as an excuse to leave an awkward conversation.
There are also people here who are still friends with my family but after their behaviour and words at/against me, I’ve cut them out of my life. But they’re here and will have to be avoided.
Trying to stay away from others and the conversations that will crop up about where my (ex)partner is, how come he isn’t here now, how I’m doing, how the house is coming along. They don’t know we broke up or how ill I’ve been and am. It’s none of their business.
I’m all alone and not handling well. That’s how I know this fucked-up condition has truly got a good grip around my neck and head and it’s tightening.
I’m feeling the panic gradually building, I’ve already got the fucking shakes. I’ve never been in this situation before and it’s terrifying.
What the fuck do I do?! I can’t leave, it’s my brother’s birthday! As big as the house is, I can’t stay hidden forever. Writing on here was the only thing I could think of that might help. I can’t even turn to my soulmate or significant other for comfort as I no longer have one.
#Depression #Anxiety #Grip