Over the past couple of weeks, the realisation that I’m a ‘just in case’ girl has actually sunk in. For example, I may not have a drink ‘just in case’ I may need to pick him up, I won’t go out ‘just in case’ he comes home and wants to do something, I won’t plan anything for the weekend or the next few days ‘just in case’ he/ they want to do anything/go anywhere.
I’ve always been aware of it, but it’s only recently I’ve understood the detrimental impact that’s had on my life. I’m placing my life on hold on the off chance that someone deems me worthy enough to be with or interact with. Unbeknownst to me, I was placing my needs at the lowest point of the pecking order and even worse, saying to myself that I’m not worthy enough or good enough for anyone.
It smacked me in the face (yet again) that I viewed myself so poorly, so disgustingly and so repulsive that when someone decided they could stand to be around me, I leapt at the chance. Feeling grateful for any scraps of time and effort they threw my way like a starving dog begging for any morsels of food.
How can I continue like this?! Do I think so little of myself that I feel blessed for anything?! Am I not worth more than that?!
That tiny little word kept cropping up more and more……’worth’ also others like ‘value’, ‘belief’ and ‘love’. Do I really hate myself that much? Do I have no belief in myself? What a waste of a life it will be if I carried on that way.
A wonderful, inspiring, amazing person on tv says: “if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?” He’s totally and absolutely right. If I don’t believe I’m worth more, then how are others going to believe it? If I don’t say that it’s unacceptable, I’m going to be treated that way for the rest of my life.
I, like you dear reader, am worth so much more than that. Stop putting your life on hold and start doing! Start planning your life, start doing things, start going places, start learning new things, start living! People who truly love you and want to be around you (not you around them) will catch up and fall beside you. You’ll rediscover colours, sights, sounds and emotions long forgotten. People will see the spark and life will have warmth again.
If people don’t welcome the difference, celebrate your growth or become distant, well fuck them!! Life will be better off without them.
Remember, as RuPaul Charles says:
“if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”
#Worth #SelfWorth #StartLiving #Depression #Anxiety #Rupaul #Dragrace #Love #MentalHealth